TURNING PAIN INTO POWER: My Journey from Addiction to Recovery.
Hello, I am Jesse James, and I am an addict.
I am now 31 years old, and my battle with addiction started at the age of 18 and thankfully came to a halt at the age of 27. As you may or may not know, the path toward addiction starts much before the initial addiction, and the battle also never ends.
Although in my active addiction I had abused many substances, my primary addiction was to a little pill called Speed, otherwise known as methamphetamine. This drug is highly potent, yet low in price, which was a bad combination for me. Although I wasn’t diagnosed until my mid-20s, my whole life I had a mental health condition called ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) which also made getting addicted to this drug very easy, as it has many similar properties to the prescription drugs they use for children/adults with ADHD. It helped “organize” my brain but came with the cost of not sleeping for days, weeks, and even, at times, over a month. This became a very big problem.
I am also a Type 1 Diabetic (insulin-dependent), diagnosed at the age of 6. Starting in my late teenage years, I neglected to take care of my diabetes, and then in active addiction, the neglect became much worse and became deadly, literally. I have been in multiple diabetic comas, 2 of which I died and was put on life support, thankfully making it out alive. Still, none of that had the power to change my ways, and I continued in active addiction.
I strongly believe that my path toward addiction stemmed from trauma I experienced at a young age. I experienced many different traumatic experiences, but one specific incident I had kept to myself for many years haunted me.
Between the ages of 6 and 7, I was molested by another male, a few years older than myself. Since this person was a friend, it caused me to not trust people from a very young age, especially men. It also caused me to question many things, such as my sexuality, whether I was deserving of having this happen, and so much more. I felt so much shame and could not find the courage to speak about it; I feared judgment from others. It ate at me for years, and I felt very alone until I found drugs, and speed became my best friend, the only one I could trust to take away my pain and escape my brain.
About a year after I made the decision to get clean, I was 28 years old, and I realized it was time to speak out about my dark secret. This was my best shot at actually trying to make true change and becoming self-aware of my struggles. I first made the decision to confront the person about the incidents that took place, trying to get more of an understanding on the matter, mainly for myself but also to try and help them become self-aware, but there were no answers, and the person was in denial. Unfortunately, what others do for themselves is out of my control, but finally, I was in control of how I was reacting to the situation, and I did not feel shame anymore. In fact, I started to believe it was important to speak about it, to encourage others dealing with similar trauma, that they are not alone. I finally felt a slight sense of freedom from this demon that haunted me for over 20 years. This was a huge step in my recovery and opened up doors to dealing with my other traumas and becoming very self-aware of my mental health struggles.
During my active addiction, I experienced a severe loss in my family. My niece Shelby-Lee passed away at the age of 7 after a long battle with brain cancer, and I dove deeper into my addiction, using the drug to cope with the loss. As a result of that, I pushed away my family in a time they needed me most. For years after, I lived in regret, and though I am still not proud of the way I was then, I have learned that living in regret will not change it. Instead, it taught me to learn new ways of coping. It taught me that time is precious. It taught me to cherish the people and moments in my life because tomorrow is not promised. These were valuable lessons to learn and helped me when experiencing many more losses of family and friends during my years in recovery, finding healthier ways of coping with my emotions instead of numbing and escaping them with substance abuse.
The road of recovery has not been easy by far. The damage I caused during active addiction, physically, mentally, and emotionally, has been a battle to repair, but every day, I continue to better myself and fight the battle, ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I have worked very hard to repair relationships with family and friends by showing actions of a changed mindset. I learned to be more loving, more compassionate, more kind, and more appreciative of the people in my life. In time, it has brought me closer to good people and separated me from toxic people and situations.
As a result of my neglect in managing my health and diabetes and my years of substance abuse, I have faced many repercussions physically in my recovery. I experienced the complete loss of vision in both eyes for about 7 months; thankfully, my right eye was salvaged after multiple surgeries, but I remain blind in my left eye. I have suffered major infections in my feet, resulting in 17 surgeries in 2019 to my right foot trying to save it, an amputation of 2 toes in November 2023 that went horribly wrong, and finally a below-the-knee amputation of the right leg in January 2024. All of these health issues and experiences were very difficult to endure and cope with, often keeping me in a depression, and even leading to suicide attempts. Often through my life experiences, I have been suicidal, but somehow, I managed to keep pushing through the pain.
Instead of drowning in a world of self-pity, I decided to develop a mindset of gratitude. I started believing that no matter what obstacles I encounter, I will conquer them as they come. I surrounded myself with people that believe in me, and most importantly, I started to believe in myself, and the result of building an unstoppable mindset has shown me that you can, in fact, TURN PAIN INTO POWER!
After my amputation on January 3rd, I was told it would take 9 months to a year before I would be able to be fit for a prosthetic foot/leg and begin the process of learning to walk again. I told myself that I would aim to defy those odds, and I trained my brain to believe it, and on May 17th, at what was supposed to be just a first fitting of my prosthetic, I took my first steps, exactly 5 months and 2 weeks after the amputation. Staying on top of my health had things healing fast, and doctors were amazed, so that allowed me to push the pace of the process. After seeing my determination, they still told me it would take about 3 months to be able to walk without any walking aids, and during that time, I would have to stay in the hospital to do physiotherapy. With motivation and confidence, perseverance, and determination, I set out to defy those odds, and I did 7 days of physiotherapy in total. I not only was able to walk without walking aids, but I even attempted running, and playing sports such as soccer and basketball. I set certain goals and stuck to my mindset, and I conquered all I set out to do, and then some!
I do not share any of this to brag, but simply to show that your brain is your most powerful weapon. When you train it to be self-aware and you believe in yourself, you will be amazed at all that you are capable of!
I have chosen to share my story during the month of June because it is Men’s Mental Health Month, and we need to end the stigma that a man who shows emotions is weak, but in fact, quite the opposite. I hope I can inspire some men to share their stories, and feel there is absolutely NO SHAME in being “vulnerable.” Your feelings and emotions are valid and valued, just as much as any other human.
To ANYONE struggling with mental health and addiction, I want you to know that YOU are NOT ALONE. If you are feeling like nobody is there to listen, I can promise you that I WILL BE, without judgment!
I would also like to thank the RISE UP COLLECTION, Jodi and Jillian, for this opportunity and all they have done to help raise awareness in mental health and addiction, I truly am so proud of you girls.
This amazing foundation in honor of Jordan Leigh is the definition of TURN PAIN INTO POWER! Jordan was such a precious soul and a dear friend of mine, and in the last few years before her passing, she found the courage to speak to me about her struggles with mental health and addiction, and often came to me for advice and guidance on how to better cope. I only wish I could have done more to help her, but in her honor, I will continue to help others in any way I can.
Thank you for letting me share my story.