Embracing Change: A Journey Through Grief and Hope

March 15 2023, my daughter Jordan passed unexpectedly.
Just as I believed I had my daughter back from her struggle with mental health and addiction, she was gone. Losing a child is something no parent should ever have to experience. It’s not supposed to work that way.

I felt powerless over what happened that day and in the days and weeks that followed.
I went through the motions and did what I was supposed to do. I felt all the feelings and then some.
I hugged everyone, signed paperwork, made decisions, cried, accepted help, and I think I managed it all with a decent amount of grace.

For a long time, I wasn’t myself, but that was to be expected - after all, my daughter had just passed away. I don’t know what I would have done without my family during this time. They are amazing.

People were asking how I was doing, but they knew full well that there was no chance that I could be anything but terrible - to be honest, that wasn’t true.
I wasn’t always terrible. I was sad and the circumstances weren’t great, but a lot of the time I felt like I was doing OK.
At least as OK as was to be expected given my circumstances.
But unless you knew me well, I never let all of that out. I often just simply said, “OK” and left it at that.
Most people had already decided anyway. They didn’t really want to know.

The truth is, I will never be the same me again.
That doesn’t mean I’ll never be happy or enjoy my life again. It is possible to be happy and sad at the same time. But, losing a child changes you.
I lost a piece of me that day, and losing that piece changed my soul. It changed how I think about things. It changed how I react to things - it changed who I am.
So, I won’t ever feel like I’m “me” again until I get used to who the new me is.

As I get more comfortable with who I am now, the new me, I find that I am more patient and kinder than I ever was before. I hope I can carry these traits forward in memory of Jordan because that’s a truly beautiful thing she’s shown me.

But I’m also more emotional, vulnerable and less motivated than I ever was before. I’m struggling with all of this and while this might be something that fades with time, I don’t see that happening any time soon.

I am so proud of my other daughter, Jodi (Jordan’s twin), for starting The Jordan Leigh Foundation. This foundation aims to raise awareness, break the stigma around mental health and addiction, and help make the world a better place for future generations.

Hopefully, more people will come forward and be honest about their struggles. I’m so happy to be part of this conversation, sharing my story openly for the first time, in honor of Jordan and the foundation. This can be the conversation starter for change.

Love,
Dad